"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
May Sarton
As I sit and write this I am sitting in a train amongst snow covered fields and trees and just beginning to thaw out from the day out in the crisp winter Canadian air. Yes, I am back visiting my stomping ground. And as with each visit, it has been yet again an interesting experience. (However by the time I post this I will be back in sunny Argentina) :)
This time I came up to visit for a month, right smack at the beginning of the coldest time of year. I am thinking that my brain may have been slightly fried at the time of this particular decision. I was originally missing the snow at Chrismtastime, and had visions of jolly snowmen, christmas lights shining brightly against the crisp white snow, sleigh bells ringing,… you know the regular stuff that holiday carols are made of. There was something just very wrong about Santa in a bathing suit, and let's not get started on that visual… I however forgot one thing: IT"S COLD. I am without a doubt, latin blooded through and through I used to sing the praises of the wintertime, enjoy frolicking in the snow like a baby seal, and just revel in the beauty that the winter would bring to the land. At this particular moment I am thinking I must have been insane. Just the thought of anything under minus 10 C sends me fleeing back under the covers in the morning for just 5 more minutes of cosy warmth. Yes, it has really happened, the Canuk has been beaten out of me. Yet despite all of this I know that I will most likely come up with this deranged visit again because of my love of Christmas festivities in a winter wonderland. :)
All of my complaining of the cold aside though, it has been a very transformative experience, and I believe that there is a particular significance that I ended up spending the beginning of a new decade here. My last three years in Argentina have been an amazing journey of self discovery and I feel blessed that I was able to embark on it. The result? A new aspect of myself has blossomed and I have come into my own. To quote a popular mantra, " I am". This isn't to say that I am finished, not even close. But now as I continue moving forward with my life I am more confident than before that I am making decisions based on what is best for me.
We closed a decade this past New Year's, and for me personally it has been an important one. I began the decade in a very different life, living it through the eyes of a young woman who was just at the brink of her journey of self discovery and living life based on other people's dreams and expectations. As I walked through my hometown of Kingston and my long time home base of Ottawa, whispers of this young woman echoed softly as I passed old haunts, memories flooding me like gentle waves on a lakeshore. A favourite cafe here, an old workplace there, even my favourite willow tree along the Ottawa River that on so many an evening I would climb up into and sit perched watching the sun set along the water. Memories of the daily joys at discovering some hidden aspect of myself that I never knew existed either through new found pastimes, conversations with close friends, or just time spent alone in contemplation. And then the angst. The angst that comes with these revelations, as I slowly began to discover that decisions I had made were not necessarily a reflection of who I was. So then comes the change. The changes necessary to have my outer life coincide with the inner. Step by step I made the changes I felt were important to create a life that was about me.
One important lesson that I have learned throughout this process is that no one can tell you what is the right or wrong path. Many people will always have an idea of what you should do, whether it be a mentor, guide, friend, co-worker, acquaintance or family member. Yet at the end of the day they are not you. No matter where they are pulling their information from, they are not you. They are giving you advice or information shaded by their own perspectives and experiences. Even a psychic is not fully detached from this. You are the only person who has full access to what is your life. You are the only one who fully understands the journey that is specially yours on this planet. You are the only one who each and every day is there with yourself going through each lesson, joy, sorrow, passion or what have you and moving forward from each experience. No one else has that insight into who you are and how these experiences are shaping your perspective on life. Places, people and things come into your life for a reason. They are there to provide you with learning. And what you glean from that is how you begin to shape yourself, and thus influence your decisions. I have learned that there is no right or wrong answer, no right or wrong path. Each and every one is just another experience and the more you are aware of who you are the easier it is to choose the best one for you at that particular point in time. As a friend of mine recently quoted in one of her own posts, "all roads lead to Rome."
At the closing of this decade, as I walked through the familiar yet unfamiliar streets, I both unconsciously and consciously closed a very important chapter in my life. I felt myself going through an internal battle and questioning everything in my life. It was an interesting process, as I was thrown into an old environment that brought with it old patterns and old fears. The ghost of a person I used to be facing the new one, swords drawn waiting to see which one would triumph. And it was a good experience. My new self one out. I have no regrets. I now have a new crossroad headed towards me and I am ready to meet it, confident in who I am and what i want and don't want.
There is a poem that a dear friend gave me at the very beginning of my self discovery journey that I have kept with me and sought out many a time when I felt lost and not sure what direction to take. In fact, I would say that it was this poem that sparked the whole journey in the first place. I will close this post with it, and I hope that it will provide a source of inspiration for some of you as it did for me:
The Man in the Glass
WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR STRUGGLE FOR SELF
AND THE WORLD MAKES YOU KING FOR A DAY
JUST GO TO A MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF
TO SEE WHAT THAT MAN HAS TO SAY
FOR IT ISN’T YOUR FATHER OR MOTHER OR WIFE
WHOSE JUDGEMENT UPON YOU MUST PASS
THE FELLOW WHOSE VERDICT COUNTS MOST IN YOUR LIFE
IS THE ONE STARING BACK FROM THE GLASS
HE’S THE ONE YOU MUST PLEASE- NEVER MIND ALL THE REST
CAUSE HE’S WITH YOU CLEAR UP TO THE END
AND YOU’VE PASSED YOUR MOST DIFFICULT, DANGEROUS TEST
IF THE MAN IN THE GLASS IS YOUR FRIEND
YOU CAN FOOL THE WHOLE WORLD DOWN THE PATHWAY OF YEARS
AND GET PATS ON THE BACK AS YOU PASS
BUT YOUR FINAL REWARD WILL BE HEARTACHES AND TEARS
IF YOU’VE CHEATED THE MAN IN THE GLASS.
